Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Husband of the year 😂
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Fe
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Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.