doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.