Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…