Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Everyone’s family
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”