Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Happy Halloween 🎃
every college guy’s fridge
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I am, perchance
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits