[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…