doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I’m not lazy
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
@ candidates for local office
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
This guy must be getting annoyed by now