I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please