Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread