My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣