If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂