Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes