Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
(2022)
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
*limbos under the caution tape
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.