holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
These aliens are taking forever.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”