Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The Onion called it…again.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.