[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
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MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Shortcut
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.