[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
it was love at first sight
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”