[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
You Might Also Like
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.