[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“That’s what” – She
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Cats are still liquid.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do