Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.