Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.