I see your IQ test came back negative
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had