Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Aaaa…CHOO!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Ken is short for chicken
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive