Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind