[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman