[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬