[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?