GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.