@kirahesser: Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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@MarfSalvador: Cop: My informant told me where the killer is Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name? Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
@BuckyIsotope: [on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"
@bea_ker: Hey man, settle an argument for me? "Sure" [handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there