Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
yes… yes…
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.