Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though