Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
the noise i just made
I was just discussing this with my cat
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share