Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.