@3sunzzz: Dodgeball in gym class...
because life wasn't already hard enough when I was 12.
@causticbob: The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
@BoogTweets: Judas: How long are your arms?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
@ericsshadow: At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I've changed a lot since then, for instance, now I'm 42.
@TheEighthKnight: Me: I have a huge crush on this girl. Him: What’s her name? Me: I’m not telling you. Him: What does it start with at least? Me: @
@flashember: WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE