Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Wait for it
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Banking tips
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.