Tech Twitter in a nutshell 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: I can鈥檛 wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor鈥檚 birthday. does he not like Bilbo
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn鈥檛. Shitty credit, I have.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
doctor: god you鈥檙e unhealthy
me: we haven鈥檛 started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut鈥檚 updog
SHAGGY: not much what鈥檚 up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God鈥檚 plan for us and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going back to church anymore.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews