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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.