In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Living the best life.. 😊
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Hitlers gonna hitl
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys