Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err