*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”