“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
He took my last fry, your honor
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.