“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
best first i’ve ever seen
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.