“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Good morning
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
So glad we cleared that up
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream