Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]