Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.