Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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My life coach traded me.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…