Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.