Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Dear Lord..
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
#parenting
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Miscakes
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then