@TheAlexNevil: Shoulder Devil: So I say "Go on--do it!" And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
@ThatDudeF: Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new 'I walked to school in the snow without shoes'
@jennyandteets: Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.
@Jaybberwocky: Had day surgery - came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I'm offensive even when unconscious.
@generaldietz: Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.
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