@jergarl: [on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes

@Iaughing: Patrick: "Did you see my underwear?" Mindy: "No." Patrick: "Do you wanna?"

@MarkAgee: I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

@aveuaskew: "Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!" Exactly "What?" It's inflation "I hate you"

@Storminika: Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'