@weinerdog4life: I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude

@jessokfine: I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

@Social_Mime: *calls restaurant* Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant? Host: Of course it is sir *hangs up*

@PortRooster: On phone: GF: We're breaking up... Me: I can hear you fine! GF: It's not you, it's me... Me: Did you get a new provider? GF: Kinda... Bye!

@CantWaitToNap: An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.