Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
What kind of a cult is this?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u