Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.