“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…