“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.