Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*